There Is Nothing Wrong With You…You Are Just Introverted.
How my life changed when I embraced this fact.
Lately it seems like all of the sudden, it’s become cool admit you are an introvert. But, it wasn’t always that way. Introverts have been misunderstood and at times have gotten a bad rap. The stigma is they are shy, disinterested, boring, a hermit or worse yet, socially awkward. Seriously, who wants that association? And I say they loosely…as I am one of them.
As an introvert, who until recently never really understood what that meant, and honorably labeled myself as an extrovert, I can tell you, we are anything but those things.
Let me explain. When I was growing up, I thought I was an extrovert because I love and am fascinated with people. I have always made friends easily and enjoy socializing. I’ve designed my life’s work around helping them. And yet, many times what I enjoyed most was coming home for that oh-so-treasured alone time. I noticed that I needed to spend some time by myself everyday and felt a bit “off” if I didn’t get it. Did everyone feel that way I wondered?
One of my favorite things to do is race walk around my picturesque small resort beach town. When given the choice to have a friend join me or go solo, many times the preferred option is to go it alone, either listening to my favorite podcast, music or my own meandering thoughts. I take in the scenery rather than give my attention to another person, which for me, is highly restorative.
Being introverted wasn’t a badge of honor people wore proudly. It wasn’t as cool as being an extrovert as people assumed you weren’t social, weren’t comfortable with people and were the quiet wallflower. Not much fun at a party, huh? Additionally, the term “loner” had a negative connotation, so you never wanted people to think you were actually “ok” on your own. Of course, you preferred the company of other people than being alone, right?
Throughout my early adulthood, my preference for having deeper connections with a smaller group of people and happily spending a lot of time on my own had me wondering:
- Why do I get agitated at superficial small talk? It literally drains my energy.
- Why I was always the person at a party talking to one person in a corner the whole evening?
- Why I would feel relief at the realization of a weekend completely free of plans and obligations.
- Why I would often decline to “go out for drinks” with co-workers after a full day of interactions.
- Why I loved my alone time so much…to be with my thoughts, make observations and process new information was many times more appealing than being around people.
- Why relationships never worked when the guy wanted to be with me 24/7 and didn’t understand it had nothing to do with him?
Being introverted impacts ones life in every aspect from the work you choose to the relationships you attract, often unknowingly. Without understanding your specific needs life can be challenging and leave lots of room for misunderstandings. For example, introverts prefer to work independently and in a quieter environment with less distraction. Working in a large company can be overwhelming and make an introvert feel stressed to constantly be in meetings or have interruptions. The same goes for being in a relationship with a partner who wants/needs to be with you all the time. By not getting the alone time you need to recharge and process, you can come across as irritable, difficult or uncaring.
Introversion is many times confused with shyness. Shyness indicates a discomfort with and/or a fear of people or social situations. Introverts simply do not like to spend lots of time interacting with other people, but when they do, it’s usually with people with whom they are close.
Introverts often find that other people try to change them or even suggest that there is something “wrong” with them. It is estimated that around 40% of the population are introverted yet many people feel they are on one end of the spectrum or the other. Many of us are a mix of both and are called ambiverts, characterized by enjoying spending time with others and spending time alone depending on the situation and our needs at the moment.
Where do these differences in personality types come from?
There is a built-in physiological response to our outside environment, which is determined by our personality type. A mechanism in the brain regulates what information gets noticed and what is overlooked, which also regulates how much information you take in and what your arousal levels are. Each person has a different set point, which then determines how aroused a person will be.
Introverts have naturally high levels of arousal so they tend to seek activities and environments where they can escape from overstimulation.
They take in more information from the environment and tend to be more alert and observing, although they may appear to be somewhat withdrawn. Because they “take in” so much information, they need solitude to process and reflect.
Introverts are basically “inner” focused for their source of recharging their energy and where they get stimulation, where extroverts rely on “outward” sources and other people. Social events or family gatherings cause introverts to expend energy and will find themselves needing to spend time alone, while interactions with other people energize extroverts.
If any of this sounds familiar, you probably tend towards introversion:
· Some solitude is not an option for you, it’s mandatory. The idea of staying home reading a book, cuddling with your kitty or strolling through Facebook can seem more appealing than being in a crowded, noisy bar. A few hours alone with sitting by a fire, a peaceful nature walk or your favorite television program helps you energize. This doesn’t mean that most introverts wants to be alone all the time as many love spending time with friends and interacting with familiar people in social situations. The key thing to remember is that after a long day of social activity, an introvert will probably want to retreat to a quiet place to think, reflect, and recharge.
· You most likely have a small group of close friends Instead of having a large social circle of people they know only on a superficial level, introverts prefer to cultivate deeper, more intimate, long-lasting close relationships and usually prefer to interact with people on a one-to-one basis rather than a large group (hence, my intimate corner-of-the-room party interactions), while extroverts generally have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances.
· Have often described as quiet, mysterious and hard to get to know. Introverts are often described as quiet, reserved, shy and even mysterious as it’s not always easy to decipher what’s going on in their minds. Of course, while some introverts are shy, people should not assume they are timid or socially uncomfortable. In many cases, introverts prefer to choose their words carefully and not waste time or energy on small talk. I’ve had a few people tell me that I was “hard to read” most likely because I observe and take in what’s going on around me rather than share all that I am experiencing.
· Gets distracted easily and overwhelmed by too much external activity. Spending time in environments with too much stimulation can be draining for introverts and many times require quiet environments to work in as they can easily become unfocused. Conversely, extroverts seem to thrive in situations with lots of activity.
· Are very self-aware Since it’s natural for introverts to be inward-focused, they also spend a great deal of time examining their own internal experiences. They know themselves very well and tend to have great insight about themselves and how they feel about things. Since going inward and having a high level of self-understanding is important to introverts, they often devote a great deal of time to learning more about themselves. This can take the form of reading, participating in some sort of therapy modality or just exploring their thoughts.
What my life looks like now after embracing my introversion.
1. Before automatically responding to an invitation, I ask myself if this is something that I would find enjoyable and if there is any sign of dread, I’d decline. This feels so much better than feeling obligated to do something, showing up and then planning my escape.
2. I became aware of the fact that I needed space in my day and would stop scheduling things back to back for too many social activities which I knew would leave me depleted.
3. I use my introversion not as an excuse for opting out of things but as an explanation that certain situations/environments just “aren’t my thing”.
4. I stopped feeling like there was something wrong with wanting to stay in on a weekend night and do whatever I felt like. Quite the opposite, oftentimes feels like a luxury.
5. I embraced the fact that my self-awareness and inner focus was not a liability but an asset to not only rely on my intuition and sense of knowing but also serves my clients in the insight I am able to bring to my sessions.
6. I stopped feeling like I had to make myself be any different than I am and that is a most wonderful feeling.
